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The world is full of things to fear.
Hollywood, of course, has made it all worse, with creations that instill deep-seated fear even worse than a real-life trauma. No, I’m not talking about Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes. I mean the movies. For example, my mother never took a shower for years after watching Hitchcock’s Psycho. And in turn, I was frightened to take a bath or swim in a pool for years after watching Jaws.
But now Hollywood has topped it all. They’ve given us the ultimate reason to be scared. They’ve taken one of nature’s most violent storms—the tornado—and blended it with one of the animal world’s most fearsome predators—the shark.
That’s right. We’re talking about—the Sharknado.
With this new menace to haunt our days and nights, to stalk our psyches, to terrorize our primal, ancestral reptilian brains, we thought we’d offer you some tips on appropriate safety training videos to help you prepare. Read on if you even hope to survive this deadly new scourge.
Hand Washing and Hygiene Training: Although everyone recognizes the importance of proper sanitation, this is a Sharknado–a tornado that spits out sharks, an animal that is itself so scary it’s got its own week on TV. Hand sanitation is NOT your biggest issue right now.
Flu Avoidance Training: The flu? Dude! What we’ve got here is a tornado, an intensely violent storm that’s been recorded at maximum wind speeds over 300 mph (source), showering the world with nature’s most perfectly designed killing machines (some of which may even have frickin’ lasers attached to their heads, for all we know). Let’s focus on the real risks and hazards, huh?
Heat Stress Causes: Even if it IS hot out, if you’ve got a Sharknado breathing down your neck, I guarantee you’ll know what’s stressing you out.
Hydraulic Fluid Safety Training: You were thinking of trying to use a nearly invisible stream of hydraulic fluid, escaping from an unseen hole in a hydraulic line, to give a shark a hydraulic fluid injection injury? Are you serious? Do you not know how thick the skin of a shark is?
Machine Guarding Safety Training: Hmm. We DID say that a shark is nature’s perfectly designed killing machine, but that’s not what we were getting at. But we’re getting closer, at least.
Emergency Action Plan Safety Training: NOW you’re talking. Because what we’ve got here is a true emergency. Possibly the mother of all emergencies. A plan is DEFINITELY in order.
First Aid Training Courses: You can bet your life you’re going to need some first aid training. In fact, a Sharknado is so fearsome you’ll probably need some second, third, and fourth aid training too.
Driver Safety Training Courses: You’re darned right you’re going to try to drive to safety, and you can bet your sweet patootie that the roads are going to be more dangerous than your typical rush hour. Solid idea. One last thought to add here–if you’re thinking of avoiding the traffic and getting away on a boat, remember that size matters.
Confined Space Training: That’s a good idea. Getting into a confined space may be just what you need to protect yourself from a Sharknado. Unless, of course, you get into a confined space WITH a shark–like the guy in this shark cage with a ferocious shark trying to eat him.
Diversity Training: Diversity training–you’re on to something there. This one may not seem obvious, but the Sharknado does not discriminate. Absolutely not. The Sharknado is an equal-opportunity nightmare, stalking you with sharks of every race, creed and color–great whites, hammerheads, bull, tigers, blues, makos, and more. Each exquisitely fine-tuned by nature to hunt you down in a unique, terrible way.